i hate him.

i hate him with more energy than a thousand suns, with as much faith as the christians had during the crusades.

thinking about him makes my stomach turn. his mannerisms, his laugh, his voice, his face: all of this is just a silent reminder of what was and will never be; of what could have been but failed. the words he would mutter to the words he should have muttered to the words that were silent but just as effective. they all hurt in the long run, cutting straight to the heart i had tried so hard to save from him but never succeeded, or rather the heart i should have saved from my own reckless ways.

so many emotions that i have let build up in an unlike-me way but fear, for some reason, stops me from voicing my feelings. what is this new cowardess? this stifeling of what i swore i would never repress? in my thousand realizations that i don't feel anything for him anymore, have i overlooked one comprised of hope? can such a betrayal to myself be so possible, because if it is, i will need to reevaluate everything i was so sure about.

and yet, in the darkness of the night, with a few weak words and an even weaker moment, i think to myself that i might be able to fix this person, to make him whole again and let him trust people in general. couldn't i? i know it's not possible, but maybe once? i think this, even after the hurtful words and names he called me and the messages he left me filled with anger. i think this hoping that none of it is true, maybe i imagined all of it and just as easily as i built it i can wisk it away with the tide.

these are the thoughts of a spineless woman.