it can't be done

i've been talkign to many different people than usual lately. which really isn't all that interesting except it brings to light who i haven't been talking to.

how often lately i have picked up my phone and thought, "i don't want to deal with you right now." why do i do this? why do i knowingly push people away? for fear of being emotionally distraught later down the road? who cares. that's life. right? isn't it? i think it is. or i thought it was. i'm not sure anymore.

but maybe, kinda like what my dad has been telling me for twenty years, life is what you amke out of it. so if i want to be distant and impossible to reach, one of those people who you just lose track of and i like it like that, then what's the problem? why does it matter?

i told somebody recently of my troubles with keeping in touch with people. it's not that i am not able to do it, i just don't want to. phone conversations bore me. my attention span is too short for an email, a letter, a call. unless i'm being visually stimulated while i'm catchign up, it's useless. thats not to say that i don't distance myself really in person. because i do. but usually that's because once i have these people in close contact, they are too intense. all i want to do is sit tehre but tehy have to talk. insesantly. all the time. talk talk talk. do we have to talk all the time? can't i just walk around silent? every time maya walks into the room, she conversates. every time i go into the living room, or out my bedorom door for htat matter, it's "hey" or "what's up" or "where ya going" out. away. from you. all of you. maybe not all of you. but you who keeps talking.

anyway, this person's response is that i don't have the right to do this to people. ignore them. shut them out. why not? it doesn't hurt me. it doesn't bother me. i am in such great control of myself that i don't even really realize what's going on. loss? what's that?

but i do hurt them. but i don't really feel guilty about hurting them. it takes very littel time to figure out how detached i am. it's their own fault, right? yeah?

perhaps this lack of guilt stems from the fact taht i honestly believe that every single human soul int he world is horrible and i would rather just not be involved with any of them.

maya hit a dog with her bike today. while she's hurt but ok, i can't help but feel sorry for the dog. she didn't see if it was ok. response: "it shouldn't have been in my way. the owner shouldn't have been throwing the ball in the street." it's a dog. no frontal lobes. it isn't thinking "maybe she'll stop on her bike". while it may be true that it's a possession, it's also a LIVING THING. marissa, appearantly, feels the same way regarding the issue.

i think you're both fucked up.

if somebody hit my dog, i would be very upset. in reality, it's nobody's fault. not the owners. not the dogs. not the mayas. but if you had any decency, you should have stopped to see how the dog was. "it was a golden retreiver". hitting a dog going, i don't know, 10mph? maybe? on your BIKE. it knocked your lard ass off of the wheels, did it not? you way at least 50 pounds more than it does, plus the bike, plus speed. oh, but don't worry. it's a dog. it goes without saying that you have the right to hurt other living things without having to feel guilty.

i once hit a dog in my mommy's car. after i pulled over, i was hyperventelating. then my friend had to drive me home, because i cried the whole way. BUT i went back, picked the dog up off the street, and took it to it's house, also. not my brightest moment. still feel horrible about it. i hit somebody's pet. but it was the right thing to do, as my father always taught me to do.

and why don't i feel bad about hurting people? knowingly causing them pain? because people like maya exist everywhere. in everyone. that's why.