i have discovered that this fight is not worth fighting

there was a ladybug trapped on the wrong side of the window in the library. i whispered the little secret that my frontal lobes allowed me to discover: little buddy, you'll never get out. that sunshine that seems so real and familiar has been filtered through black, plastic tinting. life, as you know it, is over. i watched him circle around a few times, up and down the four foot windows. fly to the bookshelves, back to the sunshine, the only familiar feeling in this room to him. i smiled. i know how he feels. trapped. lost. of course, i know where i am, so i have a slight advantage. after thirty minutes of watching his struggle with trying to figure out a way out of the mess he had gotten himself into, mostly likely by attaching himself to someone and gliding in on their coattails, i smuggled him back to the outside world by cupping my hands and making a temperary cage so that any elevator riders might not see that i am carrying an animal that has six legs and a shorter lifespan. i walked to the east exit, outside, over to the shrubs that are, in themselves, a pitiful sight, and placed the creature on a leaf. he won't last, anyway. i've seen the way the ground keepers take care of these plants, and in the off chance that he might find his way back to his colony of fellow colored anthropods, he hasn't many days left. lifecycle almost up. lucky bastard. he's already performed what he was meant to, passed on his genetic material, reproduced a few thousand times, and eaten his fair share of the little mites that thrive on tree leaves. and off he goes, leaving behind a trail of chitin and no memories.

i killed an abnormal amount of organisms today. i took four perfectly healthy colonies of bacteria, consisting of millions of living, thriving organisms, and put them in the midst of a killer. i feel guilty. i don't think i'm cut out to live in the business of biology. the knowledge of hte amount of life i kill every day, acting upon the assumption that human life is greater and therefore possesses the priveledges to perform such events, is sickening (truely am a ecology major. sudden realization, all that hippy upbringing at the river has made an impact). who cares about the amount of damage we've done to other organisms with the right to live; let's talk about the damage that they inflict upon the few and far between humans. i guess that is evolution. we evolved to the point where we have recognized the existance of microorganisms and they haven't evolved too much to protect themselves from our knowledge. or they did, they evolved into us, as some woudl argue. whatever. the world will return to peace after we've destroyed ourselves.

i find that i need to find somethign to occupy my tuesdays and wednesdays. class ends too late to work. i guess i could do homework, but i do that while i'm on campus doing god knows what in the library during the few hour break that sits between my classes. three hours today. two tomorrow. how much homework can i possibly find to do. maybe i'll find a new nook, cove if you will. read away my beautiful, sunny afternoons. that would be wonderful.

i'm going to be productive, i suppose.