there's not a chance, you're never gonna change the world

i have heard that the only time you ever think any event through to its complete possibilites is when you should be doing something else.

well, i have an organic chemistry final tomorrow. followed by two biology finals, another chemistry final, and lastly, a physics final. thus, this weekend has been plagued by thinking.

i've spent most of my day pondering the latest two converstions i have had with my mother. both have brought many issues to light, mostly involving me and what it is i desire out of my life. while it's true that i am only twenty, it is also true that i am already twenty, putting endless pressure on every single one of my moves, like chess. or war. every man counts and, while they seem to come in teirs of worth, none should be sacrificed, theoretically. it seems that my mother is at a loss of where i am and what sort of child she has raised. while she has no doubt that i'll be successful in my career, she has made it no secret that she wonders about my more secret, scadalous love life. so, if you take out the second adjetive, you've got a very good idea of what my parents know about what goes on in my life down south, literally and, well, literally. she verbally expressed these views last night during our phone call, and while i'm sure it wasn't her motive for calling, it quickly turned into a conversation revolving around it. she told me that my father and she had been talking about it, praying that they hadn't raised a woman who hated men, permanently brainwashed by a father's fervent fear of having a daughter who was with child at the age of sixteen. it would seem that, because they have instilled such thoughts into our heads as children, they fear that i will never find a mate that measures up to my standards, which, according to them, seem to be many. i wanted to tell them it wasn't true, that i wasn't picky with my men, that i wasn't going to end up alone and desolate with a house full of baby chickens, but i couldn't. who was the last person who i actually was genuinely interested in? why do most boys seem to fade away into some distant memory as soon as the idea that perfection was not materialized in their form popped into my head? most importantly, were they right? had they raised a child who would never settle? the idea has been festering inside me since last night. i was up all night thinking about what a lonely life i was bound to lead if i didn't do something drastic. and that is the point i am at now. knowing i must change my ways but disregarding any opportunity to do so. goooo me.

conversation two yielded the question of whether or not i was willing to act as gaurdian to my sisters and executor of the will if my parents passed. that's an upper. after a night of coming to terms with my horrid flaws, i really want to think about parents dying.