please don't do me any favors, mr. intentional

love.

the word literally strikes fear in my heart, or heart of mind i guess. what is it about love that doesn't settle well with my very being? the idea that i won't be in control of some sort of feeling? that for once, living without something might very well be impossible rather than create some minor inconvienence? i pride myself in having no sort of dire uncertainty in my life, yet the very uncertainty that i lack, and find comfort in lacking, may be the uncertainty that some claim to make life, of any sort, worth the time at all.

everyone IS looking for it.

no fool actually swears by the thought that it doesn't exist. rather he finds himself in a dark corner that hasn't been blessed with its presence, silently willing all of his courage to surge into his bloodstream like a quick drug fix so that he might be able to motivate his foot to take the first step into the light, take the chance of being burned, being afraid but not paralyzed by the fear, just because, instead of accepting that the corner that he had been residing in might be a representation of the rest of the world, he somehow believes there is something good and better and perfect lying dormit in some other soul, who, much like him, could be just gaining the confidence to slink out of another respective corner, slowly at first, but ready to take the chance.

and if they meet, they can sit, having psuedo-deep conversations about psuedo-deep subjects, like politics, poets, religion, pain.

and if they agree when they are having these psuedo-deep conversations about psuedo-deep subjects, or they are intrigued by the possible aposing opinions, and they find solice while they are looking into the eyes of the individual sitting across the couch, or table, or rug, or bed, or whatever, they might come to the conclusion that this person is of an agreeable nature and grow to be somewhat codependant on this person, needing to know what this person wants and needs, but not necessarily what this person wants and needs in life, but rather what this person wants and needs from him.

because being wanted and needed is what really drove him out of his corner in the first place. because without being wanted and needed, there might not be a basis for love anyway. because without being wanted and needed, his wants and needs would have to find a new outlet, rather than being exposed through the simple want and need to be wanted and needed.

purely, wanting and needing to be wanted and needed might very well be the human way. it might very well be the only way. because, in what we have created for ourselves, there seems to be no other way. everything in our mind occurs on the wanting and needing platform. there is no other platform for which it can occur. and really, any person who might find an alternative platform is, so obviously, not of a human state of mind. where human is defined by being of our state of mind, which is defined by the platform of being wanted and needed.

and where inhuman is defined as finding a way to not want and need someone to want and need you.

but there is a loophole.

it doesn't cut out wanting and needing altogether. no. just wanting and needing to be wanted and needed. how much easier would life seem if beautiful happiness didn't seem to reside in somebody else? if, in order to stride out into the light, you didn't need to be thinking about somebody else, fearing that, even though you want and need them, they didn't want and need you. because it is a deal. some sort of selling of the soul. you want and need them to want and need you. they want and need you to want and need them.

but rather the only want and need outside of yourself are the basic necessities of life. not the love of another. sure, that would be regression. it defies all that the superior formation of the human brain has afforded us. without emotional attachment, our way would become very similar to the animal way; some might say exact.

however, emotions wouldn't be eliminated entirely, which would keep the static line between human nature and animal nature from disappearing. instead of wanting and needing somebody else to want and need you, you want and need yourself. supply yourself with its own happiness. worry not what level of need and want is present in another person, but know what you want and need, and be able to give yourself immediate feedback and fulfillment. to step out of that corner and know that, no matter what lies in the light, no matter what uncertainties life unleashes upon you, the pure knowledge of the fact that, even if no other person around you wants and needs you, loves you, you love yourself.

some might say that is progression.

because in the way that humans have created for themselves, there might not be any real love left. because if it is based upon needing someone to want and need you, your entire life until the second of that want and need being fulfilled is spent in preparation. filling your head with ideas of psuedo-deep concepts, like politics, poets, religion, pain; concepts that were only created so that people, like you, will seek out this information in order to prepare. and the creators of these concepts, the authors, the experts, are only willing to share their opinions about these psuedo-deep topics so that they might attract the love of someone themselves. because they want and need to be wanted and needed too. and they are. by you.

which only perpetuates the cycle of codependance.

of love.

of looking for love. wanting love. needing love.

instead of supplying love for yourself.