the girl come undone

you know that feeling that directly follows any sort of emotional high? it's not really a low, not really a lull... not really anything. just a calm. no longer floating high on ... whatever you're floating high on. one second nothing can stop you. speeding down the road, not a care in the road, humming a song to yourself that isn't playing along on the radio or whatever music playing device. total feeling of completeness.

and then you realize. that's not life. complete.

it occurs to me that i might actually be as shallow and simple as i sound. full of cliches, thinking that everything might actually end up exactly how it is supposed to with minimal pain and effort on the part of myself. isn't that funny. i guess it's not.

because i can sit in my room, decorated by two for two but only occupied by one for a majority of the time and feel and need to express so many things but years of practice have done nothing but make me good at not. sit in here, all by myself. and think. lovely. how much life really looks like my ceiling. pealing but nobody really notices it. after all, that's how the landlord got us to rent the place anyway, right? while we were preoccupied with the size and location and ocean view, nobody noticed that it was falling apart. that there are puke stains on the carpet. that the windows shake at the sound or tremmer of anything.

well that's normal. complete normalcy.

this picture on my so called desk is disgusting. i'm not really a fan of pictures in general, but usually they pass the test when they are somewhat candid and are able to take me back to whatever moment in in time that happened to be such a good time that i took a picture of it. this picture is no such. senior ball. blah. only two years ago and feels like a lifetime. i'm only twenty now, but in that picture i wsa only eighteen. because, in the long run, the difference is going to be astronomical. right. it's time for a little clensing of the memoribilia, i think. i only talk to three of those people anymore, two of which i semi-like but can't relate to, one of which i hate and still have to live with.

lovely.

i've been feeling kinda lonely lately. it's been so long since i've connected with somebody. and as each day passes with disappointment, i just kinda... lose hope. no longer have the ability. too long has passed since i've done it. lost the knack. all nice and full of cinicism. just what the world will need. another woman, fifty, loving to spread her ideas and opinions to anybody who will listen; loving to do anything just to know that somebody listened. somebody cared. but too stuck in her ways and too unwilling to give them up to actually find something worthwhile. so she sticks with her opinions and ideas. i guess that's how life is.

i keep telling myself that visiting justin will make me feel better. i'll know that there is sombody that cares about me. somebody that knows how and will take care of me. that's what one of my bosses said. those bosses, seeing hte look in your eyes of complete loss of confidence in going-ons of life and knowing the feeling. they've been there. they still are. you can see it in their eyes too. one glance and all is told. and in just a few short sentences, they have the answer.

i guess i already know the answer anyway.

but now that it is nearing the time, i can't help but feel that it will do nothing to silence these thoughts. because, even if justin is a good friend, and even if i know and realize it, he is a distant friend. and as soon as i get back on the plane, all comfort will end.