a bed of nails of which i laid
MissUnhappy has just laid a victimized explaination of her night on me, completing it with a "now i'm not going to do well on my final" sort of shpeel. she claims she was drugged because she, of course, would never allow herself to get to the point of fucked-up-ness that she did last night. it's all the jungle juice's fault. not hers. of course not. because on top of the few shots she took before leaving the house, she only had one additional drink. and somehow, she doesn't have any idea about how she ended up in her bed, let alone any sequential events of last night.
i calmly told her that, in high school, a certain friend and i often mixed what we liked to refer to as "magic drinks" at parties. for ourselves and others, of course. in these magic drinks, we incorporated so much lemon that any shitty alcohol could be concealed. and any quantity of it, at that. the usual ratio was 4 shots shit: 2 shots juice: 2 shots lemon concentrate. it tasted like shit, but not the shit that was our alcohol so it went down nice and smooth. a few minutes later, and maybe one more drink, you were royally fucked. and depending on whether or not you were one of the girls who took one shot and claimed to be "waaaaaasted", you might get a little more than the going rate. maybe. ok, you would. and it's not my brightest moment, but i did make a few people pukei n my day.
but i take responsibility for that. and the guilt of the time was so great that i would be the one holding hte girl's hair. although i never actaully admitted to that being the reason.
anyway, after telling MissUnhappy this, she told me that it wasn't possible. 7-8 drinks in half an hour wouldn't do that to her. it was somebody else's fault. not hers. she can handle her alcohol.
despite the fact that i have seen her at all states of drunkenness, running into walls as she tried to make it down the hallway during the course of our housemateness. despite the fact that, the night before a physics final, she went out. despite all of that. it's not her fault.
there is nothing that irks me more than somebody who will not take responsibility for their own actions. ok, that's a lie, i hate stupid, just-for-the-sake-of-asking questions even more. but responsibility comes in a very close second. so close that a photograph of the finish line is often needed.
don't get me wrong. there are many times where i do something so horrendous that i don't know how i will ever man up and accept the stupidity of my actions. but i always do. because when it comes down to it, i know that the only way to grow and learn is to step back and look at the rediculousness of the crime i commited. iw ould love to think back to all those police filled encounters and think, now i was totally set up. i didn't know what ethanol tasted like. i had no idea that candy was in my pocket. i totally thought that you were allowed to leave school if the teacher didn't show up after fifteen minutes. i'm a child. i don't have to accept the consequences of my actions. however, my parents raised me much better than this. so, when i fuck up, i know that i only have myself to come after. the only person to blame is the person looking back at me in the mirror, with that stupified simple look on her face. and i know that nothing will change that. so i tell myself that next time it will be different, a sort of "i'll never drink again if you take this horrible feeling away" sort of deal with myself, but a much more serious one because, unlike a hangover, trouble with authorities or seriously endangering my life actually makes a somewhat lasting impression on me.
now i know i am DEFINATELY not the most rightous person i know. that title falls somewhere between MissPerfect and my grandmother. i am so far from that title that a certain place in hell is being reserved for me, at the "why didn't you help anyone, you self centered little twit" table. and anybody reading this should not be thinking, that's true, because you'll be my date to that party. but, i am rightous enough to state that if i can accept my fate, then others can too. if i can back my car into a very deep ditch and almost die, get out and look at what i did and think, shit, i'm stupid, then others should be able to do the same. it can be hard to admit to yourself that your actions were wrong, but it gets easier with practice. but blaming others for your actions... now that's just mental.
i calmly told her that, in high school, a certain friend and i often mixed what we liked to refer to as "magic drinks" at parties. for ourselves and others, of course. in these magic drinks, we incorporated so much lemon that any shitty alcohol could be concealed. and any quantity of it, at that. the usual ratio was 4 shots shit: 2 shots juice: 2 shots lemon concentrate. it tasted like shit, but not the shit that was our alcohol so it went down nice and smooth. a few minutes later, and maybe one more drink, you were royally fucked. and depending on whether or not you were one of the girls who took one shot and claimed to be "waaaaaasted", you might get a little more than the going rate. maybe. ok, you would. and it's not my brightest moment, but i did make a few people pukei n my day.
but i take responsibility for that. and the guilt of the time was so great that i would be the one holding hte girl's hair. although i never actaully admitted to that being the reason.
anyway, after telling MissUnhappy this, she told me that it wasn't possible. 7-8 drinks in half an hour wouldn't do that to her. it was somebody else's fault. not hers. she can handle her alcohol.
despite the fact that i have seen her at all states of drunkenness, running into walls as she tried to make it down the hallway during the course of our housemateness. despite the fact that, the night before a physics final, she went out. despite all of that. it's not her fault.
there is nothing that irks me more than somebody who will not take responsibility for their own actions. ok, that's a lie, i hate stupid, just-for-the-sake-of-asking questions even more. but responsibility comes in a very close second. so close that a photograph of the finish line is often needed.
don't get me wrong. there are many times where i do something so horrendous that i don't know how i will ever man up and accept the stupidity of my actions. but i always do. because when it comes down to it, i know that the only way to grow and learn is to step back and look at the rediculousness of the crime i commited. iw ould love to think back to all those police filled encounters and think, now i was totally set up. i didn't know what ethanol tasted like. i had no idea that candy was in my pocket. i totally thought that you were allowed to leave school if the teacher didn't show up after fifteen minutes. i'm a child. i don't have to accept the consequences of my actions. however, my parents raised me much better than this. so, when i fuck up, i know that i only have myself to come after. the only person to blame is the person looking back at me in the mirror, with that stupified simple look on her face. and i know that nothing will change that. so i tell myself that next time it will be different, a sort of "i'll never drink again if you take this horrible feeling away" sort of deal with myself, but a much more serious one because, unlike a hangover, trouble with authorities or seriously endangering my life actually makes a somewhat lasting impression on me.
now i know i am DEFINATELY not the most rightous person i know. that title falls somewhere between MissPerfect and my grandmother. i am so far from that title that a certain place in hell is being reserved for me, at the "why didn't you help anyone, you self centered little twit" table. and anybody reading this should not be thinking, that's true, because you'll be my date to that party. but, i am rightous enough to state that if i can accept my fate, then others can too. if i can back my car into a very deep ditch and almost die, get out and look at what i did and think, shit, i'm stupid, then others should be able to do the same. it can be hard to admit to yourself that your actions were wrong, but it gets easier with practice. but blaming others for your actions... now that's just mental.
posted by The Smart Pineapple at 14:05
1 Comments:
har har, rock on WriterLady
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